How to Tell If You Have an Anxious or Avoidant Attachment

Ever feel like you’re too much in relationships—or maybe not enough? Maybe you crave closeness, but also fear getting hurt. Or maybe you shut down the moment someone gets too close. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing patterns rooted in your attachment style.

Attachment styles are essentially blueprints for how we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships. And while everyone’s attachment style can be unique and fluid, two of the most common insecure patterns are anxious and avoidant attachment.

Knowing which one you lean toward isn’t about labelling yourself—it’s about understanding how your early experiences shaped your current relationship dynamics, and how to start shifting them if they no longer serve you.

What Is an Attachment Style?

Attachment theory suggests that our earliest relationships—usually with caregivers—help shape our beliefs about connection, safety, and intimacy. These early bonds become internal maps that guide how we show up in relationships as adults.

There are four general attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. In this post, we’ll focus on anxious and avoidant, which are often at the root of many confusing relationship patterns.

Signs You Might Have an Anxious Attachment Style

If you have an anxious attachment style, relationships can feel like walking on a tightrope. You deeply crave connection but constantly fear losing it. This often leads to preoccupation with the relationship, overthinking, or people-pleasing behaviours.

Here are some signs:

• You worry your partner is pulling away—even when nothing is wrong

• You overanalyze texts, tone, or social media behaviour

• You feel a strong need for reassurance and validation

• You often feel “too needy” but don’t know how to stop

• Conflict or silence makes you feel panicked or rejected

• You may ignore your own needs to keep the relationship going

Anxious attachment usually stems from inconsistency in early caregiving, when attention, love, or emotional support was unpredictable or conditional.

Signs You Might Have an Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant attachment is rooted in self-protection. If you tend to shut down, keep people at arm’s length, or feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness, this might be your pattern.

Signs of avoidant attachment include:

• You value independence and feel suffocated by too much closeness

• You have a hard time expressing emotions or asking for help

• You pull away when things get too intimate or vulnerable

• You may feel emotionally distant even when in a relationship

• You downplay your own needs or dismiss your partner’s

• You struggle to fully let someone in or trust that they’ll stay

Avoidant attachment often develops when emotional needs weren’t met consistently in childhood, or when you had to become emotionally self-sufficient to cope.

Can You Be Both Anxious and Avoidant?

Yes. Some people develop what’s called anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment, where they crave closeness but also fear it. This can lead to push-pull dynamics, inner conflict, and intense emotional responses in relationships.

You might want love, but run from it when it feels too real. You might isolate when you’re hurt, but feel abandoned when others don’t chase after you. It’s exhausting—and totally understandable if this is your experience.

Why This Matters

Understanding whether you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style is the first step toward healing. These patterns aren’t flaws—they’re protective strategies your nervous system developed to keep you safe.

You’re not broken. You’re just operating with a blueprint that might need revising.

What You Can Do Next

If this blog resonates, here’s where to start:

• Build self-awareness. 

  Notice your patterns, especially during moments of conflict or closeness.

  
  

• Practice nervous system regulation. 

  Grounding, breathwork, and mindfulness can help you stay present when triggers arise.

  
  

• Explore reparenting. 

  Learning to meet your own needs—especially ones that went unmet in childhood—can be transformative.

  
  

• Seek relational healing. 

  Whether through therapy, safe friendships, or a partner willing to grow with you, secure relationships help reshape insecure patterns.

  
  

• Be kind to yourself. 

  Changing attachment patterns takes time. You don’t have to get it perfect—you just have to stay curious and compassionate.

You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone

If you’re noticing these attachment patterns in yourself and want support making sense of them, I’m here to help.

Book a free consultation today. Together, we’ll explore your attachment style and create a path toward more secure, fulfilling relationships—starting with the one you have with yourself.