Why Some People Choose AI Over Therapy (And What Attachment Theory Can Teach Us)

AI is everywhere—offering mental health support at the push of a button. Apps promise to help you regulate, reflect, even process emotions like a therapist would.

It’s no surprise that some people are turning to AI instead of therapy.

But while AI might feel safer on the surface, it’s not actually safe for the deep, relational work required for healing. And when we look through the lens of attachment theory, we can begin to understand why.

What Attachment Has to Do With It - Why AI Over Therapy?

Attachment theory explains how our early relationships shape the way we connect with others later in life—including how we relate to therapists. If we grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or unsafe, then emotional closeness in adulthood can feel overwhelming, even threatening.

That’s where AI comes in: no judgment, no awkward eye contact, no vulnerability hangover. It gives the illusion of support without the real risks—or benefits—of connection.

But while it may feel easier, it doesn’t make us feel better in the ways that matter long term.

Let’s look at how this plays out for different attachment styles—and why AI might feel comforting at first, but ultimately falls short.

Avoidant Attachment: Comfort in Control—But No Growth

Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers consistently dismiss or discourage emotional expression. Adults with this pattern often value independence over connection and may struggle to ask for help.

Why AI might feel safer:

• You don’t have to open up emotionally

• You’re in full control of the conversation

• There’s no emotional demand or social feedback

  
  

Why it’s not actually safe:Avoidant systems are already wired to disconnect under stress. Using AI reinforces this pattern of emotional isolation. While it can feel less threatening, it prevents the kind of relational discomfort required to build tolerance for connection—and growth.

Example:

Jason, 32, preferred an AI app over therapy. He could vent without being interrupted. But over time, his anxiety and reactivity in relationships increased. The app helped him avoid discomfort, not work through it.

🧠 Neurofact: Avoidant attachment is linked with suppressed amygdala activation during emotional closeness—but this isn’t regulation, it’s disconnection (Gillath et al., 2005). Real therapy helps rewire this avoidance through safe relational exposure.

Anxious Attachment: Fast Responses—But No Real Security

Anxious attachment forms when caregiving is inconsistent. As adults, these individuals crave closeness but fear rejection or abandonment. They tend to overanalyze social cues and need frequent reassurance.

Why AI might feel safer:

• It responds quickly and predictably

• It never rejects or withdraws

• There’s no emotional risk of being "too much"

  
  

Why it’s not actually safe:

Anxious attachment thrives on false safety. AI tools may feel soothing short-term, but they can't offer the earned secure attachment that comes from being known and accepted by a real person over time. They offer immediacy—but not intimacy.

Example:

Rina, 27, loved the quick validation from her AI app. But when she finally saw a therapist, she realized how much deeper her anxiety went—and how much she’d been avoiding the real emotional work.

🧠 Neurofact: The anterior cingulate cortex, tied to social pain, is highly reactive in anxiously attached individuals (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). Only real human connection helps calm this circuitry through attunement—not text on a screen.

Disorganized Attachment: Predictability—But No Repair

Disorganized attachment often stems from trauma, especially when caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear. These individuals struggle to trust connection, swinging between craving intimacy and fearing it.

Why AI might feel safer:

• It doesn’t push closeness

• It’s emotionally neutral and consistent

• There’s no pressure to trust or be vulnerable

  
  

Why it’s not actually safe:

Disorganized attachment requires real relational repair. It needs a human who can stay present through the push-pull dynamic, notice subtle shifts, and help rewire the nervous system in real time. AI cannot offer relational safety—it avoids rupture entirely, but also blocks healing.

Example:

Kaya, 36, liked that her AI app didn’t get “too close.” But it also didn’t help her feel any safer in real relationships. Therapy helped her slowly learn to tolerate emotional intimacy—with a real, attuned therapist who didn’t leave when things got messy.

🧠 Neurofact: Disorganized attachment shows erratic stress responses and poor regulation of the vagus nerve (van der Kolk, 2014). Co-regulation from a safe therapist is critical in building the internal capacity for connection.

Secure Attachment: Uses AI as a Tool—Not a Crutch

Securely attached individuals tend to seek help when needed, set boundaries with ease, and trust relationships. These folks may use AI tools—like mood tracking or journal prompts—but they don’t use them instead of therapy.

Example:

Eli, 40, used a journaling chatbot between sessions to reflect. But he relied on his therapist to help him integrate those insights in a relational, supportive way.

🧠 Neurofact: Secure attachment is linked to healthier emotion regulation and vagus nerve functioning (Coan et al., 2006). This allows people to engage in therapy without fear of emotional dysregulation.

The Problem With Feeling “Safe” With AI

Here’s the hard truth: feeling safe isn't always the same as being safe. AI feels safe because it doesn’t challenge your defenses. But it also doesn’t offer the attunement, accountability, or repair needed for actual healing.

It avoids the very discomfort that real therapy gently helps you face.

The Healing We Need Requires Real Relationship

Healing from anxiety, trauma, relational wounds, or shame doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens in safe, attuned, emotionally present relationships. That’s what therapy offers.

AI might mimic empathy—but it can’t feel it.It might listen—but it can’t witness.It might respond—but it can’t co-regulate.

So if therapy feels overwhelming, that makes sense. But don’t confuse the ease of AI with the safety of human connection. You deserve real care—not a simulation of it.

Looking for a therapist who gets it?At Fika Mental Health, our therapists work from an attachment-based, trauma-informed lens across Ontario, Alberta, BC, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Nunavut. If you’ve been avoiding therapy because it feels too hard this is your invitation to try it in a way that feels safe, slow, and human.

Start with a free consultation.

Note: All examples used are fictional. Any similarities to people, existing in past or present, are coincidental.