How to Build a Secure Relationship When You Didn’t Have One Growing Up

Building a secure relationship when you didn’t experience one growing up can feel like uncharted territory. If this resonates with you, you're not alone. Not everyone had the example of healthy attachment during their childhood, but that doesn’t mean a secure, fulfilling relationship is out of reach—it just means there’s work to be done.

Let’s explore the science and practical steps to help build a secure relationship, even if your past didn’t provide that foundation.

1. Understand Attachment Styles

Our early experiences shape how we view ourselves, others, and relationships. According to attachment theory, there are different attachment styles that influence how we relate to others.

If you grew up without a secure attachment, you might have developed one of the following styles:

• Anxious Attachment: Feeling uncertain about your partner's commitment, often seeking constant reassurance.

• Avoidant Attachment: Keeping your distance emotionally, avoiding vulnerability or closeness.

• Disorganized Attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often due to trauma or unpredictable caregiving.

Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward healing. It's not about blaming your past but about recognizing how those experiences influence your relationships today. Knowledge gives you control to change patterns that no longer serve you.

2. Start with Self-Compassion

When you didn’t grow up in a secure environment, it can be easy to fall into the trap of self-blame or feel that you’re somehow broken. But here’s the truth: you deserve compassion, not judgment. Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook, but about offering yourself the same kindness and understanding that you’d offer a friend.

In fact, research has shown that self-compassion is a key factor in developing healthy relationships. When you’re gentle with yourself, you're less likely to react impulsively in moments of stress and more likely to approach your partner with patience and understanding.

Try this: If you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and reframe your thoughts with a more compassionate perspective: "I'm doing my best, and that's enough."

3. Learn to Trust (Again)

Trust is at the core of any secure relationship. But if your childhood experiences made trust feel unsafe, rebuilding it takes time.

Start small, both with yourself and others.

• Trust Yourself: Build trust with yourself by keeping promises, taking care of your own needs, and respecting your feelings.

• Trust Gradually: If you’re entering a new relationship, allow it to evolve slowly. Trust doesn’t need to be all-or-nothing—it grows with consistent actions over time.

Remember: Trust isn’t about perfection—it’s about reliability. Consistent, dependable behaviour builds the security that you crave.

4. Communication Is Key: Be Open, Be Honest

If you’ve never been shown how to communicate openly, it might feel vulnerable or even frightening. But expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs safely is a skill you can develop.

Studies show that secure communication fosters connection and reduces misunderstandings. When you feel safe enough to be honest about your needs, you're more likely to build trust and avoid unhealthy patterns like emotional withdrawal or over-dependency.

Try this: When discussing something important with your partner, use “I” statements: “I feel [emotion] when [situation].” This reduces the chances of sounding accusatory and promotes understanding.

5. Embrace Vulnerability: It’s a Strength, Not a Weakness

It can be hard to let your guard down when you didn’t grow up feeling emotionally safe. But vulnerability is one of the most powerful ways to create a strong, secure connection with others.

Research has shown that vulnerability is essential for building trust and intimacy. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you show your partner that you’re willing to take emotional risks. This vulnerability can strengthen your bond and deepen your connection over time.

Try this: Share something personal with your partner, something that feels a little uncomfortable but authentic. Notice how it feels to be open—and how your partner responds.

6. Create Healthy Boundaries: Respect Your Needs

Just because you didn’t have boundaries growing up doesn’t mean you can’t set them now. Boundaries are an essential part of building a secure relationship—they help you maintain your sense of self while also protecting the emotional well-being of both you and your partner.

Boundaries aren’t about building walls—they’re about creating a space where both people can feel safe, heard, and respected.

Try this: Start small with boundaries that feel manageable. For example, if you need alone time, let your partner know, “I need some time to recharge tonight, but I’ll be available tomorrow.” This creates clarity and prevents resentment.

7. Seek Professional Support: Therapy Can Help

If building a secure relationship feels particularly difficult or overwhelming, therapy can be an invaluable tool. A therapist can help you navigate your attachment history, heal from past trauma, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

Working with a therapist can also give you the tools to communicate better, set boundaries, and establish a strong foundation of trust.

Final Thought: It’s a Journey, Not a Destination

Building a secure relationship when you didn’t have one growing up takes time, patience, and practice. But it’s entirely possible. By understanding your attachment style, practicing self-compassion, and learning how to communicate and trust, you can begin to build the kind of relationship that nourishes and supports you.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress. And every small step forward is a victory.

Let’s work through this together! Reach out for a free consultation if you’d like support on your journey.