Why You Can’t ‘Just Relax’ – The Science of Anxiety

“Just relax.”It’s a phrase you’ve probably heard more times than you can count—often from well-meaning friends, family, or even coworkers. But if you’ve ever struggled with anxiety, you know it’s not that simple. In fact, being told to “just relax” can sometimes make you feel worse, not better.

Here’s the truth: if your nervous system is stuck in a heightened state of alertness, relaxation doesn’t come easily. It’s not about a lack of willpower or positivity—it’s about biology, past experience, and how your brain has learned to protect you.

Understanding why it’s hard to “just relax” isn’t only validating—it’s the first step toward healing.

Anxiety Is a Survival Response, Not a Choice

At its core, anxiety is the body’s built-in alarm system. It’s your nervous system saying, “Something isn’t safe.” Whether or not a threat is actually present, your body reacts the same way: your heart races, your breathing becomes shallow, your muscles tense, and your thoughts speed up.

This response is rooted in the fight-flight-freeze-fawn system, an ancient survival mechanism designed to protect you from danger. If you grew up in a high-stress or unpredictable environment—or have experienced trauma—your nervous system may be more likely to stay “on alert,” even in situations that feel safe to others.

This is why relaxation can feel foreign or even unsafe. Your body isn’t being difficult—it’s doing exactly what it was trained to do: stay ready.

The Role of the Brain in Anxiety

The amygdala, a part of your brain that processes fear and threat, plays a key role in anxiety. When it senses something risky (real or perceived), it sends signals to activate your body’s stress response. At the same time, the prefrontal cortex, which helps with logic and reasoning, gets less access to energy—because survival is the brain’s priority.

In other words, you may know you’re safe, but your body doesn’t feel that way. This disconnect between thoughts and physical sensations is one reason anxiety feels so overwhelming.

Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of It

If you’ve ever tried to “positive-think” your way through anxiety, only to spiral harder, you’re not alone. Cognitive tools can help—but not when your body is in a state of survival.

That’s why strategies like breathwork, grounding, movement, and co-regulation (feeling safe with another person) are so effective. They help calm the nervous system first, making it possible to access clarity and calm through the mind after the body has been regulated.

“Relaxing” Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

For some people, relaxing looks like deep breathing and meditation. For others, it might look like a walk, painting, journaling, or even dancing to loud music. If stillness makes your anxiety worse, that’s not a failure—it’s a sign your body may need active, sensory-based ways to feel safe.

Your body remembers what it’s been through. If it learned that stillness was unsafe, then rest might feel activating. Healing involves slowly retraining the nervous system—not forcing it into calm.

What Actually Helps

Here are a few strategies backed by research and real-world experience that help the nervous system feel safe enough to relax:

• Rhythmic movement (walking, drumming, swimming) helps regulate the stress response

• Grounding techniques like naming five things you see or holding an object with texture can bring you back to the present

• Breathwork that extends the exhale (e.g., inhale for 4, exhale for 6) signals safety to the body

• Connection with safe people helps co-regulate and calm the nervous system

• Mindful distraction (like colouring or doing a puzzle) gives the brain space to pause from spiralling thoughts

These aren’t “quick fixes”—they’re tools for slowly rebuilding a sense of safety in your body and mind. And when done consistently, they create space for real relaxation to emerge.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Wired for Protection

If you can’t just relax, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—anxiety is simply your nervous system’s way of protecting you based on what it’s learned.

Healing comes from working with your body, not against it. It’s about creating safety, choice, and trust within yourself—step by step.

If you’re tired of being stuck in survival mode, support is available. Reach out today for a free consultation, and let’s explore how you can move from constant tension to feeling grounded, safe, and more in control. You deserve to feel peace in your body again.