Why You Keep Comparing Pain Instead of Validating Your Own

You hear someone else’s story — a loss, a breakup, a challenge — and instinctively think: “I shouldn’t feel this way. At least it’s not as bad as that.”

Maybe you scroll through social media and see others handling struggles you feel you could never survive, and your own feelings shrink in comparison. This is a common experience, especially for women in their 20s–40s, who often juggle multiple responsibilities and feel pressure to manage emotions perfectly.

But here’s the truth: your pain is valid, even if it doesn’t look like someone else’s.

Why Comparing Pain Is So Tempting

Our brains are wired to categorize and rank experiences. It’s how we make sense of the world.

But this survival mechanism can backfire when it comes to emotions:

• Minimization as a coping tool: Early experiences of invalidation (criticism, dismissal, or neglect) teach your brain that expressing feelings is risky. Comparing your struggles to “worse” situations becomes a way to avoid judgment.

  
  

• Social conditioning: From a young age, many women are told to prioritize others’ needs over their own, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter less.

  
  

• Avoidance of discomfort: Pain is uncomfortable. Downplaying it may feel like control — less pain to manage, less shame, less vulnerability.

Over time, this pattern keeps you from fully acknowledging your emotional experiences, which slows healing and reinforces self-doubt.

The Nervous System Perspective

When your pain is minimized — by yourself or others — your nervous system registers it as unsafe. Emotional experiences get stored in the body, sometimes as tension, fatigue, or chronic stress, instead of being processed fully.

Comparing pain is not about being “weak” or “selfish.” It’s a learned response to survive emotionally in environments where your feelings weren’t fully accepted.

How to Start Honouring Your Own Pain

Validating your feelings doesn’t mean ignoring others’ experiences — it means acknowledging your own reality as worthy of attention.

1. Name your feelings without judgment- Try: “I feel anxious right now. That’s okay. It doesn’t have to be bigger or smaller than anyone else’s.”

2. Create your own emotional journal- Write down moments of hurt, frustration, or sadness. Seeing your experiences on paper reinforces that they matter.

3. Practice self-compassion phrases- Remind yourself: “My feelings are valid. I am allowed to feel this, even if it’s different from others’ pain.”

4. Set healthy boundaries in conversations- If someone’s experience triggers comparison, it’s okay to step back or remind yourself: “I can honour both our experiences separately.”

5. Engage in body-based regulation- Grounding exercises, breathwork, or gentle movement can help your nervous system process emotions safely, especially when trauma has taught your body to avoid or dismiss feelings.

Reframing Your Emotional Experience

The goal isn’t to rank pain or compete in suffering. It’s to recognize your own emotional reality as valid and meaningful. When you stop comparing, you make room to heal, to grieve, and to feel supported by yourself — and eventually by others.

If you’re ready to start honouring your feelings and stop minimizing yourself, you can book a free 15-minute consultation with one of our trauma-informed therapists. Together, we’ll explore ways to help your nervous system feel safe and your emotions fully recognized.